Location 170
So, at least in the beginning of a relationship, I expected to be dazzled (even if that meant being so distracted by my object of affection that I nearly lost my job and risked my very livelihood). I expected to “just know” that he was The One (even if it often happened that a year later, I’d “just know” that I wanted to break up). I expected to feel some sort of divine connection (even if that meant being in a constant state of nausea and having an obsessive need to check my voice mail every thirty minutes). This was what “falling in love” felt like, right?
Location 257
in the end, I discovered that finding a guy to get real with is the true love story.
Location 342
as I got older, I explained, my dating life slowly became this lethal paradox: desperate but picky.
Location 788
If a relationship takes too much effort, we decide it’s no longer making us happy, and we bail. The One doesn’t get grumpy. The One doesn’t misunderstand us. The One doesn’t want some alone time after work when we want to give him the rundown of our day.
Location 1186
What matters is finding the perfect partner—not the perfect person. It’s not about lowering your standards—it’s about maturing and having reasonable expectations.
Location 1464
You both have to think that you got a good deal. Long-term compatibility is about respect and common values and building something, not about judgment of imperfections.”
Location 1683
“the less is more effect”: If you describe yourself in more ambiguous terms in your profile, you’ll be more likable.
Location 2006
“We tend to be attracted to people who are similar to us in terms of emotional stability, intellect, and competence,” he said. “So if you date people who always seem dysfunctional, you’re probably equally dysfunctional. If this person is neurotic, you probably are, too. To attract the kind of person you have in your mind, you have to be that kind of person.
Location 2208
Schwartz says. That’s because while a satisficer is content with something great, a maximizer is content only with the absolute best.
Location 2221
satisficers tend to be happier in life than maximizers. Satisficers know when they’ve found what they want, even if it’s not perfect. Maximizers either keep looking for someone better and never choose anyone, or they choose someone but will always wonder whether they’ve settled.
Location 2258
Compared side by side, two pretty goods might start to look like two mediocres. As Schwartz put it, “Our powers of interpretation can turn great things into mediocre things.”
Location 2273
“Any new person will look better temporarily,” Schwartz said. “The thing she has to remember is that every eight becomes a six over time. You can trade your six for a new eight, but eventually that eight will become a six, and you’ll be trading him in for another eight, too.”
Location 2278
They’re happy because they know that good enough is good enough. They realize that nothing is perfect in life—not jobs, not friends, not sweaters, and not spouses
Location 2374
“Being a bad speller doesn’t make someone a bad husband,” he said. “There are different kinds of intelligence.”
Location 2377
if I wanted to find more hip, literary guys with cleverly written and correctly spelled profiles, I could check out Nerve.com—but that it skews younger and it might not be as relationship-oriented.
Location 2520
I have friends who do the whole 10 p.m. Googling thing—what about that girl from high school? And while it’s tempting, you have to remember that the Internet is just a modern-day Harlequin romance filled with real characters.”
Location 2584
it’s not about changing the other person; it’s about accepting things about the other person that you’d like to change, but can’t.
Location 2775
instead of looking for someone who complements us instead of competes with us, we just keep trying to find ‘better’ versions of ourselves, to our own detriment.
Location 2966
We give our coworkers or potential new friends the benefit of the doubt when we meet for the first time, even if those first interactions aren’t super-exciting. Why not potential mates?”
Location 3019
men tend to view emotional complexity differently: emotionally complex women seem neurotic and high-maintenance to a lot of men. A woman’s idea of complexity might be a man’s idea of instability.
Location 3040
even our best friends don’t meet all our needs. That’s why we have many close friends, not just one. So why does a husband have to be an uber-friend who meets every need and shares every interest?
Location 3060
“What’s changed the most is that I still want to have positive feelings about the guy and find him interesting, but it doesn’t have to be like ‘I’ve never felt that way’ or ‘my toes are tingling.’ I had that with the guy I married, and I know it can be misleading.”
Location 3081
“I know that life is imperfect. But I just know that I require a certain emotional depth and insight in a guy, and if I can’t be with someone who truly appreciates my nuances, I’m not going to be interested in the long-term.”
Location 3133
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. —Goethe
Location 3175
You have to do something differently if you want different results.
Location 3272
“When it didn’t work out,” she said, “I remember being shocked at this, because I thought love could conquer all. But it can’t conquer fundamental differences in what you want your life to be.”
Location 3294
The book was called The Business of Love: 9 Best Practices for Improving the Bottom Line of Your Relationship,
Location 3314
Marriage isn’t a constant passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business.
Location 3400
In your twenties, breaking up is largely about heartbreak and loneliness; in your thirties, it’s also about the angst of possibly ending up alone.
Location 3609
Madathil is saying it’s not whether you argue—its how you get through the arguments. And the more practice you have getting through those arguments gracefully, she told me, the less you’ll argue later.
Location 3611
Her advice to women who are dating is this: First find a good match, then fall in love. Above all, don’t think you’ve “fallen in love” only to learn too late that it’s a bad match.
Location 3622
“What do you think a husband today is for, and why do you want one?”
Location 3626
You’re not going to ‘find’ your soul mate. Anyone you meet already has soul mates. Dozens of them. Their mother. Their father. Their lifelong friends. You get married, and after twenty years of loving, bearing and raising children, meeting challenges—then you’ll have ‘created’ soul mate status.
Location 3638
A good marriage will bring you much happiness, but it’s not your husband’s job to provide constant entertainment and stimulation.
Location 3646
So what if your husband is alphabetizing his video game collection while you’re out on a run? Why is that a problem? How many guys have you dated who shared practically all of your interests but the relationship didn’t work out anyway?
Location 3702
John Cusack character when he said about his girlfriend in the movie High Fidelity: “She didn’t make me miserable, or anxious, or ill at ease. You know, it sounds boring, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t spectacular either. It was just good. But really good.”
Location 3762
“When the rush is there, you’re not acting like yourself. You’re nervous and insecure. There’s no critical thinking and you make idiotic choices: I just want to rip his clothes off and breathe his air and so what if he’s clinically depressed!”
Location 3777
when you feel that strong chemistry with someone, the brain system that becomes activated is the reward system, which is what also lights up when you reach for a piece of chocolate, or a cigarette, or an amphetamine. These cells near the base of the brain produce a substance called dopamine—and dopamine is what gives us that “high.” It doesn’t matter to your brain whether you’re craving a smoke or a lover—the result is the same: longing, obsession, need.
Location 4192
other people work differently. We don’t realize that you have to learn someone in the way that you learn a subject. You can’t do it only by feeling. You actually have to listen to them and believe them when they tell you how they work.
